MY BIGGEST REGRET WITH CHOOSING TO FREEBIRTH

As a first time Mother with very limited knowledge of the realities of immediate postpartum.

When my now Husband and I met, we sat down and answered a list of 20-something questions together that ranged from “How do you respond in conflict with a partner?” to “Why did your last relationship end?” and ending on :

“What is your current biggest dream?”

Photo by Dev @audacitymuse

I laugh as I recall this memory, because I’ve never been a Woman who was desperate to become a Mother. But at the time, my biggest dream was to have a wild pregnancy and freebirth.

If you don’t know what that means, it’s essentially having a pregnancy completely outside of the medical system (no OB’s, no midwives, no doctors, no scans, no ultrasounds, no testing etc), and birthing without the presence of doctors or midwives.

I remember telling my now Husband this dream and him being quite blown away by it, to the point that he didn’t even want to share his with me.

As a Maiden, I remember stating that I was so deeply connected to my body that once I was in labour, there would be no way in hell that I would let anyone tell me what to do, how to move, when to push. And I was absolutely correct about that.

During my labour, I had many moments of thinking “I can’t imagine being told to lay on my back and receive a cervical check right now”. I also couldn’t imagine someone other than my Husband and myself being in the room.

We were in our tiny bedroom that barely fits a king sized bed and a dresser. There literally wasn’t space for anyone else.

1 year later, when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant, I had already completely forgotten about my “biggest dream”. I called 3 midwives in the area, and though there wasn’t necessarily anything wrong with any of them. None of them felt right for me. (In fact, one of them didn’t even seem to be overly thrilled to have to speak to me)

I was devoted to tuning into my body and being led by my Spirit Daughter, and truthfully, I already knew what I wanted to do, I was just scared to claim it, so I played by the rules by calling these midwives, only to receive that confirmation that there was a different path for me.

Sometimes I look back and question if the reason I never got involved with the medical system was out of fear of abandoning myself, my body, and my voice.

I had witnessed the impact of the trauma of my sisters first hospital birth, and then went on to witness her choice to birth her next 3 babies at home with her midwives.

I had heard all of the stories from FBS that speaks very firmly about the obstetric abuse that happens to birthing Women in the medical system.

I read all about the rapidly rising rates of unnecessary c-sections, the result of a cascade of unnecessary medical interventions.

And yeah, the choice I made was definitely influenced by all of that information.

But I don’t regret my choice to freebirth.

If I ever get pregnant again, I will choose to freebirth again if my body and Spirit Baby say so.

I regret that my desperate need to protect my birthing space had me pushing away support that I could have really used. Like having my Mom there in the other room, or having my Dad sitting on my couch, or having a Woman who has birthed before come in after my Daughter arrived and gently guide me back into my body, back into the space around me, and tell me that I was safe, my baby was safe, and I could rest.

I regret not having someone come and stay the night for the first few nights, preferably my Mom or a Woman who has freebirthed before.

My Daughter was born after almost precisely 12 hours of labour, 6 hours of early labour starting at 3 in the morning, and 6 hours of intense labour where I was sucked into the birth portal of my body and could hardly speak.

My Husband held the most beautiful space, getting me electrolytes, feeding me soup, making sure I was peeing, watching for any signs of the potential situations that I had decided would result in us transferring to the hospital.

And after those 12 hours, obviously I was exhausted, I was blasted open - mind, body, heart, and soul.

Listen to my full birth story here.

I needed an anchor, and because my Husband (who was my anchor) had also been up all night witnessing and holding space for my labour and birth, he needed one too.

After all, we were both just thrust into the biggest initiation of our lives, and now we had a tiny newborn Daughter to tend to, care for, protect, nourish, and love.

We were all born anew in very different way, and I regret not knowing just how much we would all 3 need holding.

Especially those first few nights.

I had the opportunity to be on Gemma’s podcast - Matrescent Medicine, and share my story of the intensity of my postpartum, what I wish I knew, and the reality of my experience. Listen to our episode together.

My biggest regret with choosing to freebirth my Daughter, is not having the adequate, hands on, immediate postpartum support that I needed in order to feel safe enough in my own body that I could be fully present with my newborn baby.

Photo and Art by Annika Faith @Faithfullphotos

If I could go back…

I would call my Mom immediately as I went into labour, and asked her and my Dad to jump on the next flight out to stay with us.

I would call upon the Women in my community to come and tend to my physical and energy body, not just bring me food.

I would have Sisters come and pray over me and my newborn Daughter, in the same way we came together for my Blessingway.

I would be so much more raw, open and vulnerable about the reality of the postpartum experience I was having, and normalize talking about the really dark sides of postpartum with trusted Women.

As a Maiden, I thought that I wouldn’t need anyone but myself and my Husband.

And as a Mother, I know in my bones that we are not meant to navigate this experience alone.

Babies need their Mothers, but Mothers need Women, Sisters, other Mothers, and their Husbands/Partners. And Fathers need Men, Brothers, and other Fathers.

And that is what I wish I knew before choosing to freebirth my Daughter.